The scientific community, to my repeated consternation, is yet again astonished at the mind-boggling technological breakthrough of Dr. Iceman (the appellation befits his invention, don’t you think?) It appears that the good Doctor has invented a nightstand with a built-in freezer. Take a moment to absorb the feat, dear reader. Please ignore the mirth that bubbles forth from my narrative.

Operation Nightstand Freezer is not a sequel to a failed cold war tactic, but a simple household appliance designed to imply everyone’s dream – easy access to midnight snacks. It had taken humanity thousands of years to get from fire to the refrigerator; ridiculously, we have managed the leap from refrigerator-to-bedside in barely twenty years. Talk about the human race’s inexorable progress.

But why, you might wonder, would an esteemed scientist focus his gifted brain on such frivolity? Well, dear reader, because according to Dr. Iceman, a simple nightstand could be a humane response to midnight snackers’belly growls worldwide. A toast to humanity’s tireless dedication to, ahem, convenience.

Dr. Iceman’s invention became a worldwide phenomenon. Everyone adhered to the trend, finding this new wanton laziness far too tantalizing to resist. The nightstand freezer was the harpoon in the belly of the already gasping late-night snacking self-restraint.

Where we once had to slog all the way to the kitchen — a deterrent to some — we then had the chance for unrestricted indulgence within arm’s reach. The star attraction? Tubs of ice cream. Glorified by our widening waistlines, we made them the bedtime lullaby to our inevitable nightmares of weight gain.

Before long, there were reports from across the globe: the world was getting fatter. Excessively bulked-up bodies littered the streets. The late-night rendezvous with the ice cream jars had proven too powerful a temptation, and we woke to find ourselves sinking into an obesity epidemic.

The human race was the elephant in the room — too corpulent to ignore any longer.

But never fear, for it wasn’t entirely catastrophic. Oh no, a few industries thrived like never before. The scales manufacturing industry, for one, prospered like an overfed mouse in a cheese factory. As did the fitness industry, the dieticians, the plus-sized clothing lines, and the more adventurous furniture designers who gloried in armchairs of colossal dimensions.

Amidst all the chaos, when one could imagine Dr. Iceman huddled in a corner wishing for a time-machine, he stepped forward to address the planet. He maintained, with a straight face, that it’s not the nightstand freezer that made us fat, but the ice cream we stowed in it. More specifically, our pitiful lack of self-control. Once more our delicate sensibilities were offended. Blaming the innocent frozen treats we so adored was just his latest heresy.

Yet, one couldn’t help but wonder if our dear doctor was once again on to something. Could he indeed be plotting another of his scientific revolutions? And what would it be this time? A magical, no-side-effect, instant weight loss pill to counter his own monstrous creation? Perhaps, a diet-friendly ice cream (or should I say, an edible ice cube?) Either way, as I watch my fellow citizens waddle down the street, it’s safe to say I —among countless others— will be eagerly awaiting his next move.

After all, the human race is nothing if not hopeful, as we dream of once again fitting into our favorite pair of pre-nightstand jeans. Because for us, hope springs eternal — even if it’s from a lab and in the form of sub-zero dessert. Iceman, over to you!